In the documentary “Franca,” Francesco Carrozzini spent four years filming his mother Francesca Sozzani before her untimely death in 2016, aged 66.
Sozzani was the iconic editor-in-chief of Vogue Italia, who’d pushed the creative boundaries of fashion magazines with editorial spreads on domestic violence and environmental catastrophes. Yet when asked what her greatest love was, she replied, “The only true love is the one for your child.”
That line stuck with me because I am a woman who is childless - or “child-free” depending on whom you ask. We “non-moms” – about 20% of women on average in western countries - are constantly reminded not of what we have, but what we are missing. Not of what we have achieved, but what we have failed to accomplish. Something childless men never put up with.
The quotes from some of the most iconic women in popular culture are everywhere. “I have never felt like I had such a purpose in life” (Beyonce); “There really are places in the heart you don’t even know exist until you love a child” (Anne Lamott); “You don’t know what unconditional love is. You may say you do, but if you don’t have a child, you don’t know what it is” (Regina King).
I’ll stop there because I could fill this entire column with the many ways non-moms are told that they are somehow incomplete human beings. And just so it’s out of the way for those wondering why I don’t have children, the answer is boringly straightforward: I married a bit later in life, and that’s really all there is to it. Would I have had kids had I married younger? Probably. Is my life a barren desert landscape, and do I cry every time I hold someone else’s baby? Not even a little.
And boy, has social media made this whole situation even trickier. You’ve got the slightly extraterrestrial “trad wives” churning butter and homeschooling 14 children on a farm while their husbands drift off to jobs we never see. Or some podcast “bros,” men who’ve monetized the art of telling women how to live. Remember when current U.S. Vice President JD Vance told a podcast host in 2021 that women who prioritize their careers over kids are choosing “a path to misery?”
Even Hollywood pities us! In the film “Mary Queen of Scots,” uptight Queen Elizabeth might be the one with the army, but softy Queen Mary is the one with the child. Now I like children, but in an alien invasion, give me the queen with the army, not the one with the toddler.
Does not having kids by choice make us selfish? When I asked a fellow 50-something non-mom, she responded that having children “because society tells you to” is much more damaging, especially to the child.
By all accounts, we non-moms should all be flinging ourselves off a cliff. After all, look at that tragic lineup of childless nobodies: Oprah, Mother Teresa, Gloria Steinem, Dolly Parton, Frida Kahlo, Angela Merkel, Jane Austen, Coco Chanel. What did they ever have to live for?
This column is not designed to downplay the joy of parenthood. I understand it is a life-changing and emotionally fulfilling responsibility. However – and you’ll forgive me for engaging in what some of you might call confirmation bias – numerous studies have concluded that childless couples are generally happier and that women without kids report higher levels of self-satisfaction than mothers.
In the end, I’ve come to the conclusion that it all comes down to one thing: that those who have not procreated feel, on some level, that it was their choice. That they are not missing out. And with advances in fertility treatments, the option to use a surrogate or even adoption, there are many pathways to parenthood. For the rest of us, we’ll be cheering you on. And we will still think your kids are the cutest.
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